How to Visit a Museum After the Zombie Apocalypse

Congratulations, you've survived the zombie apocalypse! Looking for a way to remind yourself of your humanity in a hopeless world full of senseless, violent, brain-eating zombies? Look no further! Despite our drastic reduction in thinking, breathing staff, we are still open to the public!

Come join us and marvel at Jackson Pollock  -- we promise the splatters of blood do NOT detract from the visual splendor! The detached limbs from the last zombie rampage really lend a wonderful sense of atmosphere to the GĂ©ricault. We've even just put in a new hands-on experience for the Judith Slaying Holofernes: try your hand at decapitating your very own undead monster! And be sure to check out our newly revamped Armor Court, where we've put all the deadliest weapons within easy reach in case of a sudden swarm.

For the protection of our visitors and the works of art, the following rules apply:

  • Please do not touch the art. You will leave an oily residue that smells just GREAT to a zombie and they will just track you down more quickly.
  • Please do not use flash when taking photographs of the artwork. Bright lights will attract their attention, especially since our last backup generator failed six weeks ago.
  • Please do not run in the museum. The undead will be more likely to believe you are one of them if you adopt their slow, irregular gait. Try some incoherent moaning if you're really in a jam.
  • Tours depart daily from the information desk. A trained docent will cover highlights of the museum, including the fastest escape routes, survival tactics, and secure, zombie-proof areas.
  • When bringing small children to the museum, please do not leave them unattended. The museum is not liable for loss of infant brain matter. (On that note, the museum is not liable for loss of YOUR brain matter either. Or your limbs.)

Though the canvases may be tattered and the sculptures may have toppled over, we are committed to our mission of providing YOU with a great art experience! Come see us soon!